I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Randomize
