hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
you told grandpa to call you daddy
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
