my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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