I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
