There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Randomize
