I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
