she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
