I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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