I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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