and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
