Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
