He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize