Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
