He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
