I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
