Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
