She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
