my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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