I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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