You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just forgot I was standing up.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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