I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
