i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
