What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
God, I missed his penis.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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