I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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