yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
