You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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