Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
