i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
