I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
