Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
