Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
