if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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