I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
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