I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Randomize
