he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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