just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
