She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
