I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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