Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
