Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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