All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
