I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
