also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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