if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
