I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
