Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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