bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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