....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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