We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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