Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
