Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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