I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
