woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
