Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
