see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
