So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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