Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
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