One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
