So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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